We're not in Kansas anymore.

Actually, yes we are.
Well, I am.
Well, I will be.

As some of you know already, I'm heading off on an adventure a lot sooner than I originally planned. It's a pretty cool story because we have a pretty cool God.
I'll leave some details out because they don't all need to be shared with the Internet world, but the thing about God is that he always seems to make a way when there is no way.

Lately, things have not been good at work. I love my job and I LOVE my residents, but I know in my heart that it's time to move into a new season in my life. I told God that I really wanted to be a nanny, and I thought it would be cool to be a live-in nanny in another part of the country. I'd like to have more experience caring for children for a longer and more permanent amount of time, and I'd like to live in a new place for a while. I never mentioned this to anyone except God, and didn't even bother looking for a nanny job because I'm leaving for Madagascar at the end of October, and I "knew" no one would want a nanny for two months.
So my plan was to stick it out at my job until Madagascar and then go from there. My plan was not working. Because of the circumstances at work I have not had peace about staying there even for only two months, so I began to ask Jesus if he would still make a way for me to go to Madagascar if I quit my job. A few days later an opportunity came up that was so God. Again, sparing some details, I found out from someone (who had no idea what I've been going through and praying for) that an awesome family with a sweet little boy in the hospital needed someone to care for their 6 daughters for - you guessed it - two months. It all happened pretty fast but I have had so much peace and confirmation about the whole situation. I talked to my boss and he told me I was free to go whenever I needed to and that he didn't want to stand in the way of God's will for my life, and then he gave me a parfait. Pretty cool guy.
So Sunday is my last day of work, and then on Tuesday I'll fly to Kansas! I will be there for 2 months, home for 5 days, and then off to Madagascar. So you may not see me until December. I am so excited for this new adventure. I can't wait to meet the girls and get to know each other. I love them already. It's been a whirlwind couple days booking flights, saying goodbyes, and getting last minute stuff done, so I'm finally getting around to updating the blog. If you have any questions feel free to ask me directly, but I just wanted to share this exciting adventure with you all as I'm leaving in just 6 days! Crazy!

Nothing is impossible with God :) Sometimes he will put something on your heart months or even years before you see it come to pass, and sometimes he will quite literally pick you up from where you are and place you where he wants you to be. I have experienced both in my life. I think either way, the important thing is to always be ready to say yes to whatever, wherever, and whoever he places in front of you. Sometimes laying down your life and giving Him total control is hard, sometimes it's crazy, sometimes it hurts, but I've come to the point where I know so deep in my heart that it's the only way. When we just lay it all down at his feet, that's when he works miracles. That sweet place of surrender is where true freedom comes from. And I'm so thankful for that freedom.


So, see you soon Kansas!

Love always,
Gianna

1. ’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
   Just to take Him at His Word;
   Just to rest upon His promise,
   And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”
   • Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
     How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
     Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
     Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

A Journey of Faith

You know those news anchors who report on TV with their umbrellas and the wind blowing like crazy and they're trying to talk all loud because they are in the middle of the storm?
Well that's me writing this blog. This is Gianna Bellante, coming to you live from the middle of the storm. Lol.
Recently, I took a step of faith and decided to follow Jesus into something that is so far out of my hands, and I think that satan might be mad because things I thought I had control over have begun to fall apart, and things I thought I had figured out are crumbling under my feet. But that's okay because I have such a good Dad who works everything out for my good, and I trust him.

It is so refreshing to know that I have a God who doesn't need me. Who I don't have to beg or bargain with to fix my problems. He just works everything out because he loves me, and it's as simple as that. Like, I don't have to read my Bible every day or else he won't care about my situation. We don't have to earn him because he's already paid for us. The word that I keep hearing in my head when I call out to him is "Daughter." and it's like that's all he says and it's enough.

I think the most important thing in our lives is to know that we are sons and daughters of God.
That knowledge and that truth carries so much.
As a daughter of a perfect Father, I am loved unconditionally, I am seen, I am known, I have full access to my Father.
As a daughter of a King, I am royalty, I am valued, I am beautiful (and so are you), and I have no reason to fear.
As a daughter of the Light, I have authority over all darkness.
As a true member of the family of God, I have a deep conviction and a deep longing to call other sons and daughters home.

You know, we can try to be servants and slaves of God all our lives, but when we learn the truth - that we are sons, daughters - that's when we start to see Him move in our lives.

Because he doesn't want our works. He doesn't want our strength. Anything we can do for him, he could do a million times better himself. We don't have to fight for his attention or his love. We don't have to earn him. He is just our Dad. We can just have him - all of him in his glorious fullness that we don't even deserve - because he's our dad. And we belong to him. And that's it.

I saw a beautiful picture a few months ago as I was praying and worshiping. I saw a courtroom in Heaven. There was a big table where the judge sits, and Jesus was there. Then the door opened on the left, and the Father walked in, carrying a child and adoption papers. He placed them on the table in front of Jesus, and Jesus took a stamp and marked the papers, "Approved." I saw that the stamp was red and the ink was His blood. Smiling, the Father took the child out the right door, where hundreds and hundreds of angels were throwing a huge glorious party, complete with a "Welcome Home" banner.

I saw this same scene many times. Each time the child was different - a small girl, a bank robber, an African tribal woman, a thief, a lawyer - people from all backgrounds and all different walks of life. And each person carried in by the Father received the same stamp on their papers: "Approved." with the blood of Jesus. And the angels rejoiced with each precious child brought home to the family of God.

Jesus died that we may be sons and daughters. We are approved, we are welcomed in, just because of His love. Just because our Daddy loved us so much that he made a way for us to be with him and to have access to him at all times. A lot of things were torn down with that veil, and I am so grateful forever to my beautiful Jesus for making a way. I was an orphan, but now I'm a daughter. If you want to reach your brothers and sisters, you need to know who you are.

I've seen the physical process of orphans becoming sons and daughters. I've seen pictures of my own siblings as orphans and then held them in my arms as family. It's too beautiful for words to describe.

Last December, I had the privilege of spending three weeks with Iris Madagascar. To say that those three weeks were the most incredible of my life would be an understatement. To say that the people of Madagascar stole my heart like no other people on this planet would hardly scratch the surface of my love for that place.
I watched the staff members love the children to life, and I expected to see an orphanage, but instead I found a home of 106 sons and daughters. 106 precious children (now it's more than that!) who know more than I ever knew before that God is their Daddy. That he is enough for him. That he is more than capable of providing for every single one of their needs. That he knows the desires of their hearts and that he is a God who gives good and perfect gifts. The faith that I saw in these children was incomparable to anything I had ever experienced before.
I saw Jesus heal people in Madagascar. I saw Jesus open eyes and ears, I saw the lame walk, I saw toothaches and backaches and headaches and stomachaches go in Jesus' name. I saw his love transform lives in ways that I could never dream.
I remember one night before we left Madagascar, I fell to my knees and cried as I heard Him whisper to me, "You've wondered your whole life if this is really true, and now you've seen it with your own eyes."

My faith has never been so challenged and so brought to life all at once.

Since coming home I have prayed and prayed over Iris Madagascar. The staff there is made up of the most incredible, courageous, beautiful, loving people you will ever meet. The children are amazing beyond words. It's a slice of heaven on earth. They've been through so much even just in these last 7 months that I've been home, but Jesus is still glorified and He has such incredible plans for the base. I know it.

In my prayers for the base I have often added in a little "pleeease God? Can I go back?" :) And I have felt him telling me to wait, and wait, and wait. But recently, I have heard that still small voice in my heart tell me it's time to go back.
So that's the leap of faith. In three months I will be heading to Madagascar.

I have no idea what God will do in the month that I'm there, what he will show me, what doors he may open, or why I'm supposed go, but my plan is to not have a plan :) and just let Holy Spirit lead and to serve the base in any way that I can.

So I'm embarking on a journey of faith. I'm trusting Jesus into the unknown, into the new, into the impossible. And I'm soooooooooo excited about it!

Thank you for joining with me in your prayers! They are much needed and appreciated always.


{If you feel led to partner with me in faith and be a part of this journey, I am trusting Jesus to provide $2,000 ASAP to purchase a plane ticket.}

Lots and lots of love,
Gianna
:)

That one question that everyone asks & everyone hates:

So, what are you going to do with your life?

We love to ask it, and we hate to answer it.
We ask, for the most part, with honest curiosity and loving interest.
We answer, for me anyways, with attempted confidence and bracing for disapproval and opinions and expectations.

I will be honest with you, these past 6 months that I've been home from Africa have been really, really hard. I have had to relearn to be content in all circumstances and to find my joy in Jesus even when my circumstances are not the most joyful. I knew even before I came home that it would be hard, but I couldn't prepare myself for the unknown valley that awaited me when I came down from the mountain. Jet lag and culture shock wore off eventually, but even after I was "used to" life in America again, I still had a large, gaping, Africa-shaped hole in my heart. I battled loneliness, anger, and sadness. I experienced deep disappointment at the end of each day and often, in the first few months, cried myself to sleep, feeling like my days were so empty, so boring, so purpose-less.
I had to learn to be happy about Jesus no matter what my days looked like. Today might not be an incredibly exciting adventure - I might not have lemurs jumping on my head, I might not see blind eyes open, I might not see or do anything "amazing". Today I might just go to work and love elderly people and make them smile. But Jesus is Jesus, no matter where I am. The same power that conquered the grave lives in me, whether I'm bouncing down a dirt road in the back of a pickup truck or pouring a sixth cup of coffee for a man who is banging the table and yelling at me to hurry up.

The beauty of this life is that no matter what our circumstances, we get to know Him. 
We get to be with Him. We get to be loved by Him. And we get to love others with that same love.
That is all I ever hope to do.

So for now, I will keep seeking him. I will keep reaching for more of his presence. I will keep asking for more love to give away to this world.
I'll keep making tea, washing dishes, and sweeping bingo chips off the floor. I will keep smiling and keep loving even when I feel like screaming and throwing in the towel (I mean coffee-stained rag). And I will probably most likely definitely mess up but I will trust in his grace and I will trust that He is always enough for me. And I will keep asking him to fill me fuller so I can pour out more.

Somewhere along the way I started thinking about nursing school. I think it started in Harvest School when a lot of people were older and further along in life than me, and I, to be honest, started to feel like less. It was a good idea - it's "fast" (2 years or so), it's smart, it's a good back up (plenty of nurse jobs in America, or so I'm told), it would make everyone happy, it would keep me here longer with Nina, it would be a good "in" to missions. I prayed about it - the kind of prayer where you say, "I'm going to do this, okay God?" I didn't feel fantastic about it but I also didn't feel bad about it either so I took that as a yes. (Ah, just when I think I have it all figured out, I realize that I have so much room to grow!)
So I pursued it when I came home. I went to an info meeting for Shadyside, and then I applied for CCAC and got as far as taking a placement test (which I scored the highest possible score on, lol).
I spent many nights trying to talk myself into it, but the more I thought and prayed about it, the more I felt..... nothing?
And that feeling of nothing turned into a feeling of peace-less-ness. (That's not a word, but it should be.)

I continued to pray and pray and feel increasingly frustrated as I felt absolutely nothing from God. I know that he doesn't ignore me, but I felt like he was ignoring me.
Finally one day, I was in the car by myself praying and worshiping. A song came on about God being a good Father. Tears started streaming down as I heard him speak to me, "Why do you keep asking me a question that I've already answered? Don't you think I know your heart? Don't you know I made your heart? I'm not calling you to be a nurse; I'm calling you to be a mom."

Instantly I felt a thousand pounds fall from my shoulders. Never have I felt such relief in my life. I felt him begin to restore my path and bring back the dreams that he has placed in my heart since I was a little girl. I believe that I will be moving to Africa soon - maybe the end of this year.

I have no idea what that will look like except that He will open a door for me to love his children. That's what he is always doing - opening doors for me. He is so good to me, in fact, he is the very best thing for me even when it seems, to the world, that by following him I am ruining my life. :)

So I'm back to square one, when I was 13 and He told me that I am not going to go to college but that I am going to be a mother to the motherless as He is father to the fatherless.
Just because He said it 6 years ago doesn't mean it changes because things got blurry and I got scared for a minute and tried to figure things out myself.

Maybe this doesn't make sense - but maybe it doesn't have to.
Maybe people, even people that I love very much, won't understand - but if I live my life trying to make everyone happy, I'll never end up where God wants me.
Maybe not going to college will make me less to the world - but if I am less, Jesus will be more.

I trust Him. I trust that he will make a way for me when there is no way. I don't need a backup plan - I don't even want a backup plan. I want to live every second of every day completely dependent on he who is faithful.

These lyrics keep playing in my head:

"There's a line and we've crossed it; some would say that we've lost it. But who cares what the world thinks? Cause we have found our joy."

Tonight I was feeling bad about not going to nursing school because I was feeling like a disappointment.
But then I heard my Daddy God whisper to me, "Are you willing to lay down your life and the world's idea of life for the plans that I have for you?"
And joy welled up inside of me so much that I thought I might explode, as the honor of laying my life down for his glory suddenly became too much for me to handle - I can't believe that I get to live this life!

So to answer that question - I don't know exactly, but I trust in the one who does and it is the greatest joy and to do so. If you would like to pray for me, please pray that He will prepare my heart (as I can already feel him doing) for the door he will open next, and that he will reveal that next step in his perfect timing.
All I can say is that I am so excited for the plans that he has for me - they are so much better than any plans I could imagine for myself.


I will leave you with this quote from Elisabeth Elliot:
"Today is mine; tomorrow is none of my business."

<3
Lots of love,
Gianna.

(PS: I almost forgot. I leave for Cambodia and Singapore in just 9 days! Thank you so much for your prayers - they are so powerful, absolutely beyond valuable and so precious to me.)

Africa Blogging Installment #1 - Dying in a Tent.

I'm going to blog about more specific parts of my trip as the Lord puts different experiences on my heart to share with you all. I really hope that you are blessed by it. :)

So, the first portion of Harvest School started in Johannesburg, South Africa.

It was quite a miserable journey to travel there. Kristina threw up for like the entire flight, bless her heart. (I picked up that phrase from my Southern friends.) 14 hours felt like an eternity, and when I informed Kris that we had "only 7 and a half hours to go!", she responded, "SHUT UP THAT IS NOT ENCOURAGING." I thought she might punch me in the face, but instead she just puked, again. We lovingly refer to this time as "the plane ride from hell."

Anyways, a nice man on the plane prayed for her, she stopped puking, and we FINALLY made it to Johannesburg. I've never really had jet lag before, but I definitely had it then. I felt like my whole world was spinning, and I was in this fog where I could hardly make out what people were saying and I was basically unable to function or carry on a normal conversation for the first few days. Thankfully, we arrived on Friday and didn't start class until Monday.

Okay so, now that you have the background info, here is the real story I want to share.

In Johannesburg, we lived in tents. The first night there, I crawled into my tent right after dinner (around 6pm) and went to sleep.
I woke up around 10 because I was FREEZING cold. The temperature was in the 40s and windy, and I was NOT prepared for sleeping outside in that kind of cold. I shivered in my sleeping bag and dug through my suitcase in the dark, trying to find socks and more layers of clothes to put on. There was nothing I could do to get warm, and this deep sadness came over me and I just started to cry and cry. At that moment, I felt completely hopeless. I wanted my family, I wanted home, I wanted a house and a bed and a blanket. A physical and spiritual darkness entered my tent as a feeling of total helplessness, loneliness, and fear took hold of me. I've never felt such an agonizing sorrow in my life. I cried until I could hardly breathe, and then tried my best to calm down enough to sleep, but sleep didn't come for a long time.

And it continued like this for many days. Here I was in a country I'd never been to, surrounded by hundreds of people I didn't know, where anything and everything familiar seemed to have been suddenly ripped away from me. It was so cold, I missed my family so much, I could barely use my phone because we had no electricity, so if I used it too much, it would die. Many nights I went to bed without brushing my teeth (gross, I know) because I was just too cold to walk across the field to get (freezing cold) water.

For about the whole first week, every day when it began to get dark, I would start to cry. And I cried (hysterically) for hours until I finally fell into anything but a smooth sleep. I wondered what on earth I was doing here. I started to have thoughts that I couldn't do this, I couldn't be a missionary, I couldn't leave my family, I couldn't live in Africa. I felt like a little girl on the first day of kindergarten, when everything is new and scary and uncertain. I was miserable, and even the thought of having to make it 3 whole months was enough to make me break down. I was a total wreck inside, and I believe that it was a spiritual oppression.

And then, one day, I remembered that SEVERAL people had given me Psalm 91 before I left for Africa. In letters, prayers, facebook messages, and even a framed map of Africa with the psalm written over it (from my grandpa). I thought wow, if so many people have given me this verse, God must have known I would need it.

So I read it. And I read it again. And it ministered to my heart.

I started to memorize it. I loved it. That psalm was my safe place in the world. So at night, I curled up in my sleeping bag and five layers of clothes (and my new, super warm blanket that Jesus blessed me with), and I read Psalm 91 out loud. A feeling of peace came over me that I'd been desperately lacking. I read it over and over until I fell asleep. And every time I woke up throughout the night and the feeling of darkness and hysteria would start to come, I would grab my Bible (which was next to my pillow, open to Psalm 91) and my flashlight and read it over and over.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.

I even wrote it on the inside of my tent.
After a few days, I had the whole thing memorized. I was crying less and less. I started to forget all my feelings of doubt and fear. I would lay there and say it over and over until I fell asleep.
One night, I woke up and saw lights all around my tent - individual lights. Not like someone was going to the toilet with their flashlight, it was much brighter and much different, and the lights surrounded my tent.
The Lord said to me, "My angels are around your tent, and the demons won't come back any more."
I went to sleep, slept the rest of the night, and slept through the night for the rest of our time in Johannesburg.

He reminded me of Psalm 91:10 - Then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.

And the demons never came back.

In that tent, I died.
I died to myself, my comforts, and everything familiar.
Everything I depended and relied on before was gone, every backup plan and safety cushion had been torn away, and for the first time in my life, I truly had nothing but Jesus.
I learned to fully trust in him like never before, and the way He took care of me was so beautiful.
He didn't have to send angels to guard my tent. He didn't have to give me peace and joy. He didn't even have to take away the pain from me. But he did, so lovingly.
He knew exactly what I needed and He was more than faithful. I had never felt nearly as close to him as when I laid in my tent and read those verses and as small and helpless as I was, He sustained me.
There are no words to explain how he took all of my confusion, loneliness, fear, sorrow, and completely replaced it all with this deep, indescribable peace.
He literally drove out all the darkness and gave me himself.
He was all I had, and he was more than enough.

I never want to leave that place of total dependency on my savior.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust."

Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge.

His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the LORD, who is my refuge - 

then no harm will befall you; no disaster will come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways.

They will lift you up in your hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, 

for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Psalm 91

11 Days Home

So, I'm home!

Well, I definitely have many homes now. Home is wherever Jesus tells me to go; I'm content to be anywhere as long as His presence goes with me, even if it's hard. Which it is, right now.

I feel like someone has picked me up out of my world and put me down on another planet, and I'm supposed to figure it out. Everything is different. Life happens so fast here. There is so much to do, so much to distract you, so much to fill your time with. Minutes mean so much more and things no one would have thought twice about are complaints here. Everything is clean but I miss that red dirt that stains the soles of your feet and the simplicity of life that stains your heart. It's confusing and surprising and after almost two weeks I'm still thinking to myself, "who am I, where am I, and where did my life go?"

I have a lot to process and I need a lot of time with Jesus trying to grasp the fact that 24 hours of airplanes and 11 hours of layovers suddenly and drastically changed my world. I have a similar feeling as when you wake up from an awesome dream - so close, but so far away, you're not sure if it was real and there's nothing you can do to get it back. (But it was definitely real.)
I'm sorry to those of you who have been wanting to hang out and we haven't yet - I'm trying to jump back into normal life, but I'm not sure what normal is anymore. Please give me some time, but I do love and want to see you all!

I've never felt anything like this before - so confused, so happy, so sad, so excited, so in love with Jesus, so missing my friends, so many things all at once.

I'll answer a few questions I've been asked lately, in case you're wondering:

• How was your trip?

Amazing. Heartbreaking. Life changing. So fun. So eye opening. Wonderful. Beautiful. Crazy. Have I mentioned amazing?

• What was your favorite part?

The relationships - with staff, students, family, friends, kids, mamas, Jesus, translators, people in villages - I loved meeting and forming relationships with people all over the world. I've made lifelong friends and learned so much from so many people, and it has changed my life forever.
(the miracles were awesome too!)

• Are you going back?

To Africa? Definitely. (I mean, Lord willing of course!) To South Africa, Mozambique, or Madagascar? I don't know for sure, but I would sooooo love to go back someday.

• What's next for you?

Well, I'm not sure. I'm still waiting on Jesus for that one, but I'll keep you posted :) I'm thinking to go to nursing school in September, and work until then. But I don't know for sure, and right now I'm still just trying to process and adjust. I have my whole life ahead of me to do whatever He wants, and I totally trust that he has it all figured out and I don't need to :)

Also, I just want to mention that MY NEW BABY SISTER IS THE BEST THING EVER. She is so cute and funny and I love her so much. I'm also trying to spend a lot of time with her because I want her to know that I'm family & here to stay, and not a friend who comes and goes. So being home with her is a top priority in my life right now. AH I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

Okay, well, I hope this made sense! Just wanted to give an update on what is going through my head right now and why I haven't been around much since I got home. I'll post more specifically about my time in Africa when I have a better grip on life :) But Jesus is so good and has everything under control! I love that we can cast ALL our cares on Him and He cares for us.

Love you all!
~Gianna