This has been the most difficult, life changing, and wonderful two months of my life. I mean those words with all of my heart. I've spent nights shivering in a tent under layers of clothes, a heavy blanket, and a sleeping bag, crying painful tears wondering what on earth I'm doing here. I've seen things I'd never experienced and felt lonelier and more confused than ever in my life. I've watched a little boy eat a handful of dirt and I've seen a grown man sit on the ground in tears because of a painful infection in his mouth that he had no way to do anything about. I've cried out to the Lord in the middle of many sleepless nights as I've realized just how hard this life can really be. I've struggled and wrestled with things in my heart that I never knew were there. There have been many times where I truly wanted to give up and go home, to live a regular, comfortable life and leave Africa and all my dreams behind.
But I saw a blind man see.
I held hands and laughed for hours with an old woman who could finally sleep after months of torment and pain. I saw demons flee. I saw people experience the love of the Father for the first time. I called women beautiful and saw their faces light up and laughter erupt out of hearts that have endured more than I can imagine. I've watched Jesus heal and I've witnessed his restoration and his LOVE that changes nations, and when I think about the rest of my life I realize that I can never do anything else but what he asks of me. I've realized that I'm happy anywhere as long as I'm in his presence. I'm perfectly content to love anybody in any city or village or nation as long as it is His love filling me to overflowing. I've learned that I can't survive without His presence - I need it more than I need to breathe. I feel so new and so different, like any ounce of religion that was there before was gone and it's just Jesus - he is all I want. I'd been trying to live as a slave when He calls me daughter. It's not complicated. All I have to do is be with him and any and all fruit will flow from that secret place. I can ask anything in his name and he will do it. I can read the Bible and actually believe every word if it because I've seen it over and over right before my eyes. I've laid hands on an aching back and seen all pain go in Jesus' name. It's real. It's true. And I can really be so foolish and so childlike to just believe his every word. And all the pain I have ever felt has been taken away and redeemed and replaced with this unbelievable joy that has me rolling on the floor laughing in the middle of a sermon and I literally can't stop because I just can't get over how good God is. I've spent nights just so drunk in his presence that I wonder if it's too good to be true, and then he pulls me deeper. He shows me something new. The verse he gave me for this season was Jeremiah 33:3 - Call to me, and I will answer you and show you great and unsearchable things which you do not know. I am overwhelmingly amazed at how prophetic and true that verse has been in my life throughout these past 10 weeks. It has gone so fast but also seems like it's been a lifetime, like my old life is so far gone that I can't believe it's only been 2 months. God can do a lot with the little that we give him. And now I get to go to Madagascar and then to Pittsburgh and really live and pour out everything that he has poured into me, and I'm SO excited to love people. "She will be so ruined and wrecked by love that she will run full force into the darkness." Wow, praise Jesus that he would look at me and consider me worthy to be a carrier of his powerful love. I can't get over it. And there's always more, there's always enough.
But I saw a blind man see.
I held hands and laughed for hours with an old woman who could finally sleep after months of torment and pain. I saw demons flee. I saw people experience the love of the Father for the first time. I called women beautiful and saw their faces light up and laughter erupt out of hearts that have endured more than I can imagine. I've watched Jesus heal and I've witnessed his restoration and his LOVE that changes nations, and when I think about the rest of my life I realize that I can never do anything else but what he asks of me. I've realized that I'm happy anywhere as long as I'm in his presence. I'm perfectly content to love anybody in any city or village or nation as long as it is His love filling me to overflowing. I've learned that I can't survive without His presence - I need it more than I need to breathe. I feel so new and so different, like any ounce of religion that was there before was gone and it's just Jesus - he is all I want. I'd been trying to live as a slave when He calls me daughter. It's not complicated. All I have to do is be with him and any and all fruit will flow from that secret place. I can ask anything in his name and he will do it. I can read the Bible and actually believe every word if it because I've seen it over and over right before my eyes. I've laid hands on an aching back and seen all pain go in Jesus' name. It's real. It's true. And I can really be so foolish and so childlike to just believe his every word. And all the pain I have ever felt has been taken away and redeemed and replaced with this unbelievable joy that has me rolling on the floor laughing in the middle of a sermon and I literally can't stop because I just can't get over how good God is. I've spent nights just so drunk in his presence that I wonder if it's too good to be true, and then he pulls me deeper. He shows me something new. The verse he gave me for this season was Jeremiah 33:3 - Call to me, and I will answer you and show you great and unsearchable things which you do not know. I am overwhelmingly amazed at how prophetic and true that verse has been in my life throughout these past 10 weeks. It has gone so fast but also seems like it's been a lifetime, like my old life is so far gone that I can't believe it's only been 2 months. God can do a lot with the little that we give him. And now I get to go to Madagascar and then to Pittsburgh and really live and pour out everything that he has poured into me, and I'm SO excited to love people. "She will be so ruined and wrecked by love that she will run full force into the darkness." Wow, praise Jesus that he would look at me and consider me worthy to be a carrier of his powerful love. I can't get over it. And there's always more, there's always enough.
