I Saw.

This is part of my journal entry that I wrote last night, my first journal entry since I've been back.
I promise that I will blog more in detail about Haiti, but for now with everything on my mind and on my heart, and everything I'm thinking and feeling, this is the best I can give you:

I need to clear my head.
Haiti is still sinking in.

What do you do after you see an orphan's tears?
What do you do after you hold a child, skinny, naked, dirty, with a bloated belly?
What do you do after you hug a worker, knowing that place had a little boy die a week before because they couldn't get him to a hospital?
What do you do after you clean out desks at an orphanage and find piles of rice that the children apparently felt they had to hide there?
And what do you do after you say goodbye?

Haiti broke my heart. Haiti is still breaking my heat.
People ask how my trip was.
What do I say, "it was great"?
It was heartbreaking. It was shocking. It was eye-opening. Life-changing.

I remember crying in that scary Haitian airport, thinking how easy it would be to go home, finish school, go to college, get a normal, comfortable American job, and never go back there... or anywhere else for that matter.
But I'll never be satisfied with easy.
Jesus wasn't.

"Now that I have seen, I am responsible."

Moving to Africa... is going to be so hard.
I never realized it until I stood there crying and shaking in the airport.
Missions... is hard.
This call God has on my life is Him, not me.
I can't do it.
I could barely live in Haiti for 8 days.

God is doing something even bigger than I realized.

Physically, all I want is to be in America.
America...
where the roads are smooth,
where it doesn't get so hot,
where the air is clear and dust doesn't fill your lungs with every breath,
where no bugs crawl on me while I sleep.

But when I think of Tito, Evelin, Marcline, Rodria, Esther, and all those other beautiful children...
my spirit and my soul and everything in me longs to be with them,
and I know this isn't where I belong.

"I saw what I saw, and I can't forget it."

I have a restlessness for these kids.
I want to kiss their cheeks
and wipe their tears
and hold their hands
and feed them
and clothe them
and keep them safe
and love them
and teach them about Jesus. Their Shepherd.

America feels good, to my flesh.
But my spirit and heart can only think of them,
and all I want is to love on them for the rest of my life.

So now, all I can do is trust God, ask Him for peace and direction,
and ask what to do with this responsibility
because I saw.

Haiti 2012!!!!!!

Hi everyone!! I'm typing this on super sketchy internet connection right now (the storm yesterday knocked out our internet for some reason) so I can't guarantee that this will work but we can only hope for the best :)

Well, most of you know my story up to this point. If not, I'll sum it up for you, or you can read

this post

and

this post

:)

Well, long story short, in August 2011, I was praying about missions and really felt in my heart that God wanted me to give all my babysitting money to Speed the Light for one year.

When He told me this, I realized that I couldn’t go to San Luis, Mexico in summer 2012. I was devastated and heartbroken, but at the same time had peace about it from day 1.

Over this past year, I reeeeally learned that God is faithful.

He is so faithful.

I got an email about a mission trip to Africa, and I was like, oh okay, this must be why God told me not to go to Mexico.

I also applied/was accepted for a trip to Cincinnati in September 2012.

When Africa fell through, God continued to give me peace. I knew he still had a plan, even though it seemed like nothing would work out.

I trusted and believed that God would work things out because, see, he always has.

Into this summer, as of yesterday actually, I kept praying and kept feeling God reassuring me that I WOULD go on a mission trip this summer. And at some point, I would be in an orphanage in another country somewhere.

Now, let me tell you, I’m basically broke. All my needs are met and God has provided more than enough (praise the Lord), but there was “no way” I could go on a mission trip this summer.

It was the middle of July and I had $13 in the bank.

There was “no way” I could “afford” to go anywhere now.

Well, on Tuesday, July 17^th, I woke up really early in the morning super sick. And by Wednesday I was basically fine, but didn’t go to church because I didn’t want to over do it.

So my mom left to pick up my brother and sister from church.

But when she came back, it was just her and my brother.

I was like…. where’s Mia?

She told me worship ran late and Pastor Anthony was bringing her home.

I was like oh, okay.

Then she was like “help me clean in case they come in!”

Ummm, Mother, it’s the middle of the night, I’m sure they won’t come in.

Well, Mia came home… and Kandace… and Pastor Anthony J

***Note, if you are just skimming, this is the part where you really need to read*****

We were sitting at the table and Pastor Anthony said “Well, never fear, I brought you…. a note sheet from tonight.” and he gave me a note sheet,

then he gave me some incline cards, and then he said “And I have this for you.”

And handed me a shirt rolled up in a rubber band.

I was like…. what is it?

And he told me to open it, so I did, and the shirt said
“Haiti 2012”

I was like… what is this for!?!?

And he was like, Haiti!

First I thought they just had an extra tshirt.

And then he said “You’re gonna need it!”

And I was like for what!?

And he said “Haiti!”

And then I thought like… maybe I was supposed to wear it… while they were in Haiti… to pray for them..??

And then he started telling me how everyone was going to be wearing them in Haiti and I’ll stand out if I don’t have one.

And I was like. WAIT A MINUTE WHAT.

And he told me I’M GOING TO HAITI!!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!

A spot opened on the team, and I am going to Haiti.

Totally, 100% planned out by God, perfect, cost free and by no means of my own strength.

Matches up completely with everything I have prayed about and for and everything He has placed on my heart.

He made a way when there was no way!

Seriously ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!

I am still basically in total shock.

All I can say is…

God. is. so. good. And so faithful. And so perfect.

We leave for Haiti on Monday, July 23^rd, and we’re coming back Tuesday, July 31^st.

I’m going to Haiti in 4 days.

And my God. Is. Incredible.

My current emotional/mental/spiritual state.

In case you were wondering :)

A good song to listen to while reading this would be Worth It All ~ Rita Springer.
Well as you probably know, a team from my church is in San Luis, Mexico right now.
And I am not.

If you don't know why, read this post.

So here's what I'm thinking and feeling.

Thought #1: This is hard.
This is really, really hard.

I remember that night in August 2011, sobbing uncontrollably at the altar when God told me that a trip to Mexico wasn't what He had for me this time.
And to be honest, I cried just as hard last night, the night before they left.
I wanted my suitcase to be on the floor by my bed, filled with bubbles and stickers and paint supplies and little clothes.
I wanted to be too excited to sleep, no too sad.
I wanted to wake up at 2am and get ready to leave, not wake up at 2am and go back to bed.

Ever since the first time I went to Mexico in 2009, I've always had this dream where my church goes there and I don't. And I wake up so sad.
Except this time it's not a dream.
Part of me keeps half-expecting to wake up and go to San Luis.
And then I remember that this is real, and I'm not going.

This is not going to be easy.

Thought #2: This is a sacrifice.

I realized last night that this is, in fact, a sacrifice.
A sacrifice of the thing I love most, for STL and God's plan.
An abandonment of my favorite thing in the world, because I love God more.
And this is how sacrifices are SUPPOSED to be!
There's supposed to be pain involved. It wouldn't be a sacrifice if it didn't hurt a little.
It wouldn't be a sacrifice if it wasn't hard to give up!
So, in a way, this is actually a good kind of pain.

A pain that I will refuse to do anything less than praise God through.

Thought #3: He has a plan.

Last night after our traditional night-before-Mexico-phone call, I hung up the phone, laid on my bed, and cried. Bethy texted me after we had hung up and said "Don't lose sight of why you're not going"
And then I was like, oh yeah!
This isn't a punishment from God.
The point of this isnt to have a broken heart while my friends go love on orphans without me because God to me not to go for no reason!
HE'S DOING SOMETHING!

Africa ended up not working out. Did I hear from God wrong? Was I not listening? Did I make it up in my head? Was God wrong? Was the trip leader wrong?
NOPE!
I completely, totally, 100 percent, wholeheartedly believe that sometimes God calls us to something with the intention of leading us to something else.
For example: calling a family to adopt a child, but, through that adoption falling through, the family ends up with another child who God had placed in their family from the very beginning.
Or God calling someone to one country, but, through that not working out, that person ends up in the country God had always planned for them to be in.

Don't underestimate God! He is not limited by our limitations!

I KNOW that he is doing something amazing, and I can't wait to find out what it is!

Thought #4: 'But joy comes in the morning.'

I love this verse: "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalms 30:5 NKJV

Right now I'm sad.
Right now it hurts.
Right now I don't know what He's doing, and I can't see the moment when this will be worth it.

But notice that all those statements started with right now!
Someday, this will be worth it
I have faith that God has a plan.
I have faith that it is the BEST possible plan for my life.

And if this is how He wants to do it,
then it is an honor to be broken for Him.

I know my God is faithful.
I know that this saddness is temporary, and his joy is ETERNAL.

I can't wait to see what he does.
Because I know that it will be incredible.

"Always faithful, always good. You still have me, You still have my heart."
♥ ~Gungor.

Running/Reading.

Okay, two things God asked of me this summer: To run, and to read the Bible (the whole thing).
Now let me just let you know, I am not a runner.
Let me say this again in case you missed that.
I am not a runner.
I love it, but I cannot sit here and tell you I'm good at it :)
Okay now that we've cleared that up, let me explain.

Here is something I've learned: Running and reading the Bible are kind of alike.

On the first day, I definitely overestimated myself.
I ran up one hill, (a really big hill) almost threw up, and came home.
I was like, yeah right this is never going to happen.
But I am glad to say that this morning, day six, I ran up 2 hills, down 3, and of course the regular roads that led to those hills! And every morning I can go a little further and it gets a little easier and I feel a little better.
Today when I left my house it was 6:15. I planned out how far I wanted to go, added a little more distance and figured it would take me at least 30 minutes. When I came home it was 6:29.
14 MINUTES!? Yay.
I'm definitely not trying to be impressive to anyone else, but I am impressed with myself :)
I've noticed that I have more energy and just overall feel better.
And it's like the more I do it the more natural it is, and the more I notice it in my life.

Now the Bible part.
I've never read it cover to cover. I've read the whole thing before, but not from Genesis to Revelation.
I always found that the Old Testament was always a lot harder to read (and by read I mean understand and be into) than the New Testament. I'm sure if you've read it you've probably felt the same.
I started reading the Bible and trying to make it a priority in my life when I was in 8th grade.
I have to admit I hated the Old Testament. But now, 2 or 3 years later, I can read it, understand it for the most part, and I like it. (Obviously I'm not an expert on it of course). I just read Exodus in 2 days. I feel like when I talk to God at night, I have a better understanding of the glory, power, majesty, greatness, and worthiness of the God I'm praying to.
Now let me make this clear: I'm not trying to boast about being able to read the Old Testament or how much of the Bible I've read.
Because that's hypocritical, and all I want is God's glory in this.
Reading the Bible isnt something you're "good at".

But I want to encourage you in this: the more you do it, the more it's like running.
I know that reading the Bible isnt always "easy". It's not always exciting and it can be time consuming and boring and maybe even frustrating sometimes.
But the more you read, the more you understand. The more you understand, the more you realize how exciting it actually is. How crazy it is.
The more you read, the more you start to notice it in your life.
A situation will come up, and a verse will come into your head. Or you'll find yourself giving advice, and actually know how to back up what you're saying with scripture.
Your faith becomes your own, and you actually know what you believe and know the God you believe in.
The more you read, the more you can read.
The more you want to read.
The more natural it is.
And suddenly it's not a burden but you realize how worthy God is of your time and how much you need to read it.
It's God's word right there for you!

I don't know if what I just said made a lot of sense, but hopefully it does for someone and hopefully you will test it and find out for yourself how much reading the Bible can actually effect your life :)

Africa 2012

Update:
Hellooooo everyone!
I just recieved an email saying that this trip to Africa was moved.
Now the date is May 20th - June 3rd.

I really do feel called to this trip.
Open to the possibility that maybe this isn't what God has for me.
But until I feel him telling me otherwise, I'm going to try my best to go.

The biggest thing that is currently in the way is the fact that I need someone over 18 to come with me.
Since I'm 16, the organization won't allow me to go by myself.

Like I said before, please pray about this and see if God is asking you to go too.
It could be you :)

Thank you everyone and God bless!

Gianna

How Big is Your Army?

I hope it's small.

Now you think that was rude or crazy or something don't you? ;)
Let me explain.

In Judges 7, Gideon, leader of the Israelite army, is preparing to fight the Midianites.
There are a lot of Midianites.
But Gideon had 32,000 men. So he was good. Right?

No, God told Gideon his army was too big.
So Gideon told everyone who was afraid, to leave.
22,000 left.
Now Gideon had 10,000 men. A lot less. Now he was good... right?

No, God told Gideon his army was still too big.
He told Gideon to take his men down to the water.
He said that some men would drink from cupped hands, lapping like dogs.
This would be his army.
The rest who got on their knees to drink would not.
300 men lapped the water like dogs.
Three. Hundred.

How do you think Gideon was feeling now?
Well let's recap.
He had 32,000 men to defeat the Midianites.
Now he has 300.
And there are a lot of Midianites.

See, as frustrating and scary as this probably was to Gideon, he chose to trust God.
When God made his army small, Gideon was forced to realize that God was the only one who could get him through this.

You can probably guess how the story ends.
The Israelites won the battle.

But maybe that's not a fair statement.
Maybe I should really say God won the battle.

See, God did all this for a reason.
He knew that if the Israelites had won with 32,000 men, they would boast that they won it by their own size and their own strength.
And, even though this would be comfortable for them, they would miss God in it.

But God is a smart guy.
He knew that if the Israelites won the battle with only 300 men, they would know that they only conquered the Midianites completely by the grace and power of God.
And, even though making the army so small this would be hard for them,
God knew that this was the only way they would find him in it.
He knew that this was the way his glory would be shown.

Now let's talk about your army.
And by your army, I mean your life.

If your life was perfect.
If your parents' (or your) marriage was perfect, if every relationship you had with anyone was good, if no one ever died, if you never got sick, if you never struggled,
your army would be big.
And, while this would be comfortable for us,
we'd miss God in it!

But I'm sure you've noticed, our lives are not perfect.
Our parents fight. Our friends aren't always friends. We lose people we love. We get sick. We get abandoned. We struggle.
Our armies are small.

And, as much as this hurts,
we are forced to realize that the only way we'll come out of this is by the grace and power of God.
So even though it's hard, we must choose to trust him.
Because God has promised to be faithful.
He has promised that, when the time is perfect, He will get us out.
And we are more than conquerors in him. (Romans 8:37)
When we see the victory,
we will know that it was God.

So, "Get up! The Lord has given the Midianite camp into your hands."
Judges 7:15

Waiting.

Are you waiting?
I know we wait for things all the time. I don't mean waiting for lunch, waiting in line, waiting for someone to get home from work, waiting for it to be time for something, etc.
I mean waiting for God.

Are you waiting for his direction? Or maybe you're waiting for his answer. Or his intervention.
Maybe you're waiting for him to work in your family or your marriage.
Or for him to just do something.
Maybe you're waiting for healing.

Well that's good. Keep waiting :)

God's timing is perfect. He knows the plan he has for us (Jeremiah 29:11) and he knows how this is all going to turn out.

Waiting is hard. Trust me, I know.
It's hard because in our eyes and from what we can know and understand, it feels like it's been forever, right?
Because we only see the now. We don't see the future like God does.
There's a quote I really like and I don't know who it's from, but it says,
"We don't need to know what the future holds, we just need to know Who holds the future."

Love that. So true.

Here's something about waiting that I realized the other day. Actually a week and two days ago if you want to be exact.

We show love to God by waiting on him.
Just by waiting and trusting him.

1 Corinthians 13 says "Love is patient, love is kind.." etc. You probably know that verse.

Love is patient!

The Bible says that God works everything together for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28)

So I know that waiting is sometimes frustrating and hard.
But I just want to encourage you to love God with your patience.
He is the God who holds the future, and the God who holds time itself.
He's perfect.
Trust him with all of your heart,
it will be so worth it!!

You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. (Philippians 4:13).

Remember, if God was small enough for us to understand, he wouldn't be big enough to handle our problems.
This is not forever!


Love,
Someone who is waiting too.