A good song to listen to while reading this would be Worth It All ~ Rita Springer.
Well as you probably know, a team from my church is in San Luis, Mexico right now.
And I am not.
If you don't know why, read this post.
So here's what I'm thinking and feeling.
Thought #1: This is hard.
This is really, really hard.
I remember that night in August 2011, sobbing uncontrollably at the altar when God told me that a trip to Mexico wasn't what He had for me this time.
And to be honest, I cried just as hard last night, the night before they left.
I wanted my suitcase to be on the floor by my bed, filled with bubbles and stickers and paint supplies and little clothes.
I wanted to be too excited to sleep, no too sad.
I wanted to wake up at 2am and get ready to leave, not wake up at 2am and go back to bed.
Ever since the first time I went to Mexico in 2009, I've always had this dream where my church goes there and I don't. And I wake up so sad.
Except this time it's not a dream.
Part of me keeps half-expecting to wake up and go to San Luis.
And then I remember that this is real, and I'm not going.
This is not going to be easy.
Thought #2: This is a sacrifice.
I realized last night that this is, in fact, a sacrifice.
A sacrifice of the thing I love most, for STL and God's plan.
An abandonment of my favorite thing in the world, because I love God more.
And this is how sacrifices are SUPPOSED to be!
There's supposed to be pain involved. It wouldn't be a sacrifice if it didn't hurt a little.
It wouldn't be a sacrifice if it wasn't hard to give up!
So, in a way, this is actually a good kind of pain.
A pain that I will refuse to do anything less than praise God through.
Thought #3: He has a plan.
Last night after our traditional night-before-Mexico-phone call, I hung up the phone, laid on my bed, and cried. Bethy texted me after we had hung up and said "Don't lose sight of why you're not going"
And then I was like, oh yeah!
This isn't a punishment from God.
The point of this isnt to have a broken heart while my friends go love on orphans without me because God to me not to go for no reason!
HE'S DOING SOMETHING!
Africa ended up not working out. Did I hear from God wrong? Was I not listening? Did I make it up in my head? Was God wrong? Was the trip leader wrong?
NOPE!
I completely, totally, 100 percent, wholeheartedly believe that sometimes God calls us to something with the intention of leading us to something else.
For example: calling a family to adopt a child, but, through that adoption falling through, the family ends up with another child who God had placed in their family from the very beginning.
Or God calling someone to one country, but, through that not working out, that person ends up in the country God had always planned for them to be in.
Don't underestimate God! He is not limited by our limitations!
I KNOW that he is doing something amazing, and I can't wait to find out what it is!
Thought #4: 'But joy comes in the morning.'
I love this verse: "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalms 30:5 NKJV
Right now I'm sad.
Right now it hurts.
Right now I don't know what He's doing, and I can't see the moment when this will be worth it.
But notice that all those statements started with right now!
Someday, this will be worth it
I have faith that God has a plan.
I have faith that it is the BEST possible plan for my life.
And if this is how He wants to do it,
then it is an honor to be broken for Him.
I know my God is faithful.
I know that this saddness is temporary, and his joy is ETERNAL.
I can't wait to see what he does.
Because I know that it will be incredible.
"Always faithful, always good. You still have me, You still have my heart."
♥ ~Gungor.
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