That one question that everyone asks & everyone hates:

So, what are you going to do with your life?

We love to ask it, and we hate to answer it.
We ask, for the most part, with honest curiosity and loving interest.
We answer, for me anyways, with attempted confidence and bracing for disapproval and opinions and expectations.

I will be honest with you, these past 6 months that I've been home from Africa have been really, really hard. I have had to relearn to be content in all circumstances and to find my joy in Jesus even when my circumstances are not the most joyful. I knew even before I came home that it would be hard, but I couldn't prepare myself for the unknown valley that awaited me when I came down from the mountain. Jet lag and culture shock wore off eventually, but even after I was "used to" life in America again, I still had a large, gaping, Africa-shaped hole in my heart. I battled loneliness, anger, and sadness. I experienced deep disappointment at the end of each day and often, in the first few months, cried myself to sleep, feeling like my days were so empty, so boring, so purpose-less.
I had to learn to be happy about Jesus no matter what my days looked like. Today might not be an incredibly exciting adventure - I might not have lemurs jumping on my head, I might not see blind eyes open, I might not see or do anything "amazing". Today I might just go to work and love elderly people and make them smile. But Jesus is Jesus, no matter where I am. The same power that conquered the grave lives in me, whether I'm bouncing down a dirt road in the back of a pickup truck or pouring a sixth cup of coffee for a man who is banging the table and yelling at me to hurry up.

The beauty of this life is that no matter what our circumstances, we get to know Him. 
We get to be with Him. We get to be loved by Him. And we get to love others with that same love.
That is all I ever hope to do.

So for now, I will keep seeking him. I will keep reaching for more of his presence. I will keep asking for more love to give away to this world.
I'll keep making tea, washing dishes, and sweeping bingo chips off the floor. I will keep smiling and keep loving even when I feel like screaming and throwing in the towel (I mean coffee-stained rag). And I will probably most likely definitely mess up but I will trust in his grace and I will trust that He is always enough for me. And I will keep asking him to fill me fuller so I can pour out more.

Somewhere along the way I started thinking about nursing school. I think it started in Harvest School when a lot of people were older and further along in life than me, and I, to be honest, started to feel like less. It was a good idea - it's "fast" (2 years or so), it's smart, it's a good back up (plenty of nurse jobs in America, or so I'm told), it would make everyone happy, it would keep me here longer with Nina, it would be a good "in" to missions. I prayed about it - the kind of prayer where you say, "I'm going to do this, okay God?" I didn't feel fantastic about it but I also didn't feel bad about it either so I took that as a yes. (Ah, just when I think I have it all figured out, I realize that I have so much room to grow!)
So I pursued it when I came home. I went to an info meeting for Shadyside, and then I applied for CCAC and got as far as taking a placement test (which I scored the highest possible score on, lol).
I spent many nights trying to talk myself into it, but the more I thought and prayed about it, the more I felt..... nothing?
And that feeling of nothing turned into a feeling of peace-less-ness. (That's not a word, but it should be.)

I continued to pray and pray and feel increasingly frustrated as I felt absolutely nothing from God. I know that he doesn't ignore me, but I felt like he was ignoring me.
Finally one day, I was in the car by myself praying and worshiping. A song came on about God being a good Father. Tears started streaming down as I heard him speak to me, "Why do you keep asking me a question that I've already answered? Don't you think I know your heart? Don't you know I made your heart? I'm not calling you to be a nurse; I'm calling you to be a mom."

Instantly I felt a thousand pounds fall from my shoulders. Never have I felt such relief in my life. I felt him begin to restore my path and bring back the dreams that he has placed in my heart since I was a little girl. I believe that I will be moving to Africa soon - maybe the end of this year.

I have no idea what that will look like except that He will open a door for me to love his children. That's what he is always doing - opening doors for me. He is so good to me, in fact, he is the very best thing for me even when it seems, to the world, that by following him I am ruining my life. :)

So I'm back to square one, when I was 13 and He told me that I am not going to go to college but that I am going to be a mother to the motherless as He is father to the fatherless.
Just because He said it 6 years ago doesn't mean it changes because things got blurry and I got scared for a minute and tried to figure things out myself.

Maybe this doesn't make sense - but maybe it doesn't have to.
Maybe people, even people that I love very much, won't understand - but if I live my life trying to make everyone happy, I'll never end up where God wants me.
Maybe not going to college will make me less to the world - but if I am less, Jesus will be more.

I trust Him. I trust that he will make a way for me when there is no way. I don't need a backup plan - I don't even want a backup plan. I want to live every second of every day completely dependent on he who is faithful.

These lyrics keep playing in my head:

"There's a line and we've crossed it; some would say that we've lost it. But who cares what the world thinks? Cause we have found our joy."

Tonight I was feeling bad about not going to nursing school because I was feeling like a disappointment.
But then I heard my Daddy God whisper to me, "Are you willing to lay down your life and the world's idea of life for the plans that I have for you?"
And joy welled up inside of me so much that I thought I might explode, as the honor of laying my life down for his glory suddenly became too much for me to handle - I can't believe that I get to live this life!

So to answer that question - I don't know exactly, but I trust in the one who does and it is the greatest joy and to do so. If you would like to pray for me, please pray that He will prepare my heart (as I can already feel him doing) for the door he will open next, and that he will reveal that next step in his perfect timing.
All I can say is that I am so excited for the plans that he has for me - they are so much better than any plans I could imagine for myself.


I will leave you with this quote from Elisabeth Elliot:
"Today is mine; tomorrow is none of my business."

<3
Lots of love,
Gianna.

(PS: I almost forgot. I leave for Cambodia and Singapore in just 9 days! Thank you so much for your prayers - they are so powerful, absolutely beyond valuable and so precious to me.)